What do you do when you are unhappy? You change some things in your life to make sure you are happy, right? Maybe remove some toxic friends , go out more, be more creative, whatever.  You change the things that make you unhappy.
But let me ask you this, what do you when you are unhappy but you’re not entirely sure what you have to change to be happy?
   What do you change? Where do you start to improve your happiness? And if you realize what you have to change but you can’t really change those things at the moment, that means you stay unhappy until you can make those things work? Because what if those little things that keep  your happiness at some level, don’t work anymore for you and your mood? Because the things I just mentioned is what I’m going through right now and I would like to know what is wrong with me. Really, what is wrong with me? I can’t find happiness in the small things, only on certain days, and the during the others I’m just sad and I plan how to change that but it’s hard to find what I have to change and how to do that. I can’t say I’m depressed because I’m actually trying to not be sad and I’m forcing myself to do things that can make me forget about the sadness in me. I can just say for sure that I have no idea what to do, and I never knew.

I finished highschool and I didn’t know what to do so I ran away in Greece to work. Then I came back and I still had no idea what to do so I ran away again in Cyprus to work for even more time than before. After that I somehow managed to meet my soulmate and for some time things made sense. My work wasn’t the best but I still enjoyed it and my relationship was and still is amazing as it can be. But then somehow we moved from our city and country and realized we both hate it and yet again I don’t know what to do to change it.

I feel like I’ve been like this since I was born and that I will always be like this, not knowing what do to to be happy. Like I’m too much of a complicated person and I will never find my happiness. I realize that I was happy before, but how come I didn’t know I was happy at that time? Why do I have to realize it later, when I’m sad? Because that quote that ”we didn’t realize what we have until we lose it” it’s real or just because I’m a weird and complicated person? Maybe both?

It’s not like I’m choosing to be sad all the time, I’m actually trying to do something about it and somehow every time I have an idea, someone or something cuts my wings. Like no one wants to see me happy, as long as I’m here, why should I go? So what’s the solution for that? Ignore them all and do it anyway? Cause that seems to be the plan more and more everyday but their words hold me back, they’re in the back of my head and start whispering the minute I find a possible solution. I’m scared if at some parts they might be right but all they said to me was negative things. Nothing to give me hope and help me in a way, just to hold me in the place I am now and to try to find happiness here. How should I find happiness in a place where it doesn’t exist? At least for me, I’m not saying there’s no happiness, for some people it is in some places, but for me it isn’t. And I respect that.

But I sometimes can’t even respect my thoughts and my decisions, they sometimes walk around in my head without permission. How come I’m so nice with everybody else but I can’t be nice with myself. I am sensitive and I take things personally and I let myself cry because otherwise it’s hard to heal myself with words.

So I’m back where I began. What do I do to change my unhappiness? Hoping and trusting people they will understand my feelings and emotions? Hoping things will get better and I will find happiness where I am right now?

Absolutely not.

I’m gonna do the best I can to ignore everybody that’s against me, who can’t understand and I will try to work for my happiness.

That was so easy to write, now..what do I actually do in real life?

                                                          – Beatrice.

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• this article is all over the place.