°•ˑ✦ 2018 ✦ˑ•° review // revizuire

r o m â n ă

*for english scroll down

E destul de tarziu, fiind februarie, dar nu cred ca este niciodata tarziu sa te gandesti la ce ai realizat si la ce ai invatat in anul precedent.

Fara vreo retinere sau cenzura, va voi prezenta anul meu exact cum a fost.

absolvirea liceului

Nu am avut parte de o experienta minunata in liceu. Am petrecut majoritatea aniilor singura, in banca mea, citind sau ascultand muzica. Am vrut sa ma izolez de oamenii falsi cu care imparteam sala de clasa. Am facut greseala sa vreau sa ma ”integrez”, si aproape au reusit sa ma corupa si sa ma transforme. Am crezut ca fac parte din grupul lor de prieteni, dar in realitate eram doar o persoana in plus care statea pe langa ei, pe care o bagau in seama cand ramaneau fara subiecte de conversatie, sau mai bine spus barfa. Am ”facut parte” din mai multe grupuri, in traducere insemnand ca incercam sa imi gasesc locul. Va spun de acum ca nu am reusit. In tot acel timp cand am fost incojurata de diferite persoane, am invatat si am observat multe, chiar daca nu le comunicam acest lucru. Am auzit povesti inventate, rautati care isi aveau locul mai mult sau mai putin, rivalitatea intre grupuri fiind foarte la moda si foarte populara. De fiecare data cand schimbam grupul, auzeam numai barfe despre celalalt grup. Cateodata ma gandeam de partea cui sunt, insa problemele lor erau atat de copilaresti, incat nu mi-am pierdut timpul sa aleg o parte. Cateodata aceste grupuri se uneau intr-unul singur, cand rivalitatea se risipea, insa se destramau la fel de repede. Obosisem sa tin pasul cu barfele lor, obosisem sa aflu diferite lucruri despre oamenii din jurul meu pe care nici nu ii cunosteam, ci doar ii vedeam pe hol, incercand sa imi amintesc cine si ce a facut. Cand aproape devenisem unul dintre ei m-am trezit la realitate. Atunci a fost momentul in care am acceptat ca sunt diferita. Am revenit la obiceiurile mele, de a citi, a asculta muzica, a desena, toate in banca mea, singura. M-am simtit singura, insa ma simteam mai singura cand eram cu ei afara la tigara. Cel mai probabil am fost considerata o mare ciudata, singuratica si multe altele. Insa acele momente, cand eram eu cu mine, atunci ma simteam cel mai bine, cea mai impacata ca nu incerc sa devin ca ei, ca nu ma transform in cineva care nu sunt.

In cele din urma am absolvit. Cel mai fericit moment al meu din toata perioada liceeala. Mi-am aruncat palaria cu mandrie si cu inima impacata ca am reusit sa supravietuiesc acestui mare test pe nume ”liceul”. As fi putut sa fiu o alta persoana acum. As fi putut sa fiu ca ei. Am fost si inca sunt mandra ca am reusit sa imi pastrez originalitatea si personalitatea, ca am ramas eu, ciudata sau oricum ar crede ei. Nu conteaza ce cred ei.
Ei la absolvire au plans, s-au imbratisat intre ei. S-au imbratisat si cu cei pe care i-au ignorat sau chiar displacut in majoritatea timpului. Eu n-am facut-o. Eu am ras si m-am bucurat de libertatea ce avea sa urmeze, dupa bacalureat desigur. Dar pentru mine viitorul reprezenta atunci o sansa sa pot face in sfarsit ce vreau eu. Nu mai eram nevoita sa falsific zambete pe coridoare si sa vorbesc cu persoane cu care nu am nimic in comun. Totul avea sa se sfarseasca. Urma sa ne lovim de lumea reala, poate tocmai din acest motiv au si plans ei. Stiau ca nu mai aveau pauze de tigara in care sa se barfeasca intre ei, persoane pe care sa le salute pe hol ca apoi sa le arate cu degetul.

Ziua cand s-au postat rezultatele la bac a fost o zi insorita la propriu si la figurat. Am fost speriata, stresata, toate sinonimele posibile. Insa cand m-am trezit si am intrat online, tremuram cautandu-mi numele pe tabelul ala nenorocit. Cand in sfarsit m-am vazut, am incremenit la vederea notelor surprinzator de bune. Am tipat alaturi de mama la telefon, stiind ca acest lucru insemna inca un pas pe care l-am trecut si un capitoul pe care il inchisesem. Atunci m-am simtit libera cu adevarat.

perioada post-liceala

A, bineinteles. Presiunea facultatii. Ati simtit-o, nu? Daca nu, urmeaza, credeti-ma. Am fost terorizata cu facultatea inca din clasa a 11-a, insa fiind in Statele Unite, nu prea imi statea capul la o asemenea decizie, desi ma tot uitam pe site-urile facultatilor din Bucuresti. Cand am revenit in tara si am dat din nou de sistemul educational romanesc, pe langa faptul ca voiam sa ma dau cu capul de masa, intrebarile despre viitor imi dadeau aceeasi idee, doar o amplificau. Daca acest lucru m-a presat in clasa a 12-a, ganditi-va ce mi-a facut dupa bacalaureat. Nu va imaginati la cate facultati am spus ca voi merge, efectiv le-am luat la rand. La fiecare doua saptamani ii spuneam mamei ca ma duc la alta facultate. Ghiciti ce, nu m-am dus la niciuna. Da, spun asta cu o usoara mandrie desi nu ma credeti. Lucrurile stau in felul urmator, dupa liceu am vrut sa fac exact ce vreau, mai ales ca puteam alege si nu mai era nimic impus. Partea proasta? Nu stiam exact ce vreau. Misto, nu? Sa termini liceul si sa te gandesti ce naiba faci mai departe cu viata ta. Si mai misto e sa auzi cum toti colegii tai de clasa s-au dus la niste facultati, desi dracu stie ce cauta unii la acele facultati sau de ce macar  s-au dus la o facultate, dar s-au dus. Nu stiu cum, dar s-au dus. Aveam de unde alege, media de la bac imi permitea mai ales sa ma duc pe un anumit domeniu, insa m-am razgandit. Mai pe romaneste, mi-am bagat picioarele in ea de facultate, si va spun de acum, bine am facut. Am luat atat de multe decizii proaste in viata mea, incat nu le mai numar, dar aceasta este una dintre cele mai bune. Nu ma credeti nici acum, stati sa va explic ce a urmat. Am plans pe motivul ca ce dracu fac mai departe dar mama mi-a dat doua palme (la figurat, de fapt mi-a facut un discurs motivational lacrimogen) si m-a trezit la realitate. Nu suntem obligati sa mergem la nicio facultate. Nici eu, nici tu, nimeni. Vrei? Du-te. Nu vrei? Bun si asa. Vrei mai tarziu? Misto. De ce trebuie sa urmam toti acelasi curs? Pana la urma fiecare are drumul sau, noi ii mai dam forma cum mai reusim. Discursul mamei m-a facut sa am simt mai ceva ca un super erou, asa ca mi-am luat frumos laptopul si am aplicat la job-uri. Nu va ganditi ca am ajuns la vreun mega image sau mc. In schimb, am ajuns in Grecia. Am mai fost nebuna inainte si am plecat in State un an, de ce sa nu mai fiu nebuna inca o data si sa plec in Grecia de capul meu? Vreti sa va spun ce nebunie urmeaza? Sa plec in Spania pentru sapte luni. Totul pentru ca am facut exact ceea ce mi-am dorit, am realizat ca ma pricep, ca ador sa fac asta, si pentru ca facultatea nu este ceva obligatoriu.

Cum am ajuns eu sa plec de nebuna prin Europa? Aia e o alta poveste, adica un alt articol ce momentan nu e scris. Dar asta a urmat dupa nenorocitul de liceu. O aventura.

prieteni pierduti si prietenii noi

Nu exista an in care viata nu ii da afara pe oamenii toxici din viata ta. Nu e pe vrute, e cu forta, si e bine. Cumva acesti oameni isi gasesc singuri iesirea din vietile noastre, iar la lenea mea e perfect, nu ma mai chinui. De cele mai multe ori nu recunoastem acesti oameni ca fiind ”toxici”, desi cel mai probabil mamele noastre ne-au spus acest lucru cu mult timp inainte, mai ales daca mama ta este ”clarvazatoare” precum a mea. Femeia e o vrajitoare mai mult ca sigur, dar in sensul bun. *Te iubesc mama*.

Cateodata oamenii ne surprins. Mint. Oamenii mereu ne surprind, de cele mai multe ori negativ. Acei oameni in care ai avut incredere si le-ai marturist tot? Da, si ei se duc. Oamenii vin si pleaca, un lucru pe care il stiam de mult (tot de la mama) dar pe care le-am realizat in anul ce tocmai a trecut. Nu a fost intr-un mod placut, dar cu cat mai dureros cu atat mai bine.

Dar nu vreau sa va prezint acest mic capitol intr-o maniera negativa. Vreau sa va spun si de partea buna, deoarece oamenii pleaca, dar unii si vin. ”Prieteniile online nu sunt in regula”, asta ati auzit, nu? Ca nu sunt reale, ca bla bla bla. Dar daca va spun ca l-am gasit? Acel om cu care te conectezi din prima. Acel om cu care vorbesti in fiecare zi timp de sapte luni de cand v-ai cunoscut. Acea persoana cu care vorbesti si despre viata personala si care te asculta, intelege si iti da sfaturi. Nu ma credeti? Ei bine, ea exista. Caterina italianca exista. Cum am gasit-o? Ne-am gasit una pe alta. Ironia noastra e ca ea pierduse niste oameni din viata ei, asa zisii prieteni. Eu, la fel. Ne-am consolat reciproc si ne-am spus off-urile, iar de atunci e istorie. Deja am inceput un proiect imperuna, cum spunem noi, ”copilul nostru” si deja ne facem planuri sa ne intalnim.

Da, viata iti ia oameni, dar iti si da. Iti ia oamenii nepotriviti si iti da la schimb cei mai misto oameni. Niste straini. Dar eu cred ca strainii sunt doar niste prieteni pe care nu i-ai cunoscut inca, asa cum spun niste baieti din California. Poti intalni oameni noi in momentele cele mai neasteptate, la fel cum si poti pierde. Nimic nu e sigur pe lumea asta, suntem mereu surprinsi. Daca nu iti fac surprizele, nasol pentru tine. Viata e plina cu surprize,  bune si rele. Tocmai asta e magia, nu stii ce te loveste, stii doar ca va fi bine. De unde stiu ca va fi bine? Deoarece asa cum spunea un barbat cu palarie de soare, un facalet in mana, niste sani falsi si un accent, ”Asa e filmul”. (deghizarea unui prieten in scop motivational)

si moartea face parte din viata

Pe 14 iunie in anul 2000 la miezul noptii, cand eu apaream pe lume, ea a fost acolo. Ea, mama si doctorul despre care ele spuneau ca era dragut. Chiar daca eram acolo, nu pot confirma cu claritate. In anii ce au urmat, ea a continuat sa fie acolo in majoritatea timpului. La toate aniversarile, momentele grele, adunari in familie, momente fericite. A fost acolo sa dea sfaturi dar si sa sarbatoreasca toate realizarile mele. A fost prezenta mereu. In ultimul an am petrecut impreuna aproape fiecare zi. Cand m-am trezit noaptea si imi era rau, jumatate inconstienta, am spus numele ei iar ea fost acolo cu un zambet si cu o incuranjare. A fost acolo pana m-am facut bine de fiecare data cand a fost nevoie. A fost la absolvirea mea. Am sarbatorit absolvirea mea cand am ramas singura acasa intr-un weekend, cu sushi si o sticla de lichior din care dadeam shot-uri, si am tot dat saptamanile urmatoare pana am terminat-o. Si a fost acolo intinsa, adormita si cu flori in maini. Nu am plans atunci. I-am adus biletul scris de mine cu o zi in urma si una dintre tigarile ei preferate, pe care le-am asezat langa ea, ascunse. Am vorbit cu ea spiritual si am auzit cum mi-a spus ca nu cumva sa plang, exact cum mi-a spus mereu. Zilele au trecut iar eu am inceput sa ma simt din ce in ce mai singura si mai rau. Am inceput sa fiu trista si sa ma gandesc mereu la ea, facand greseala sa ma gandesc numai la cum am vazut-o ultima data. Durerea ma coplesea si nu imi puteam controla emotiile si lacrimile. Insa cand am inceput sa ma gandesc la ea, la cum e ea si la cum mi-a spus sa nu plang, atunci a inceput procesul de vindecare, lent. Faptul ca nu ma gandesc la ea in fiecare zi nu inseamna ca am uitat-o, inseamna ca reusesc sa ma impac cu ideea. Daca ai pierdut pe cineva, stii la ce ma refer. Dorul nu se duce niciodata, insa trebuie sa ramanem cu gandurile bune, cu zambetul lor intiparit in minte si cu amintirile. Moartea face parte din viata noastra si nu trebuie sa fie privita cu frica, trebuie acceptata. Nu poti schimba ceea ce urmeaza, dar din moment ce poate iti este frica de viitor deoarece nu stii ce te asteapta, poti sa primesti moartea cu fruntea sus deoarece stii ca ea urmeaza la un moment dat. O sa fie momentul in care sufletul tau se elibereaza, iar corpul tau, casuta in care sufletul tau traieste, se poate odihni.
Asa ca e in regula sa te simti trist, dar este in regula si sa treci peste si sa te vindeci dupa pierderea unei persoane. Ei nu vor fi tristi. Tu nu uiti de ei, uiti faptul ca, corpurile (casutele) nu mai sunt aici, insa sufletele lor sunt libere, iar tu poti vorbi cu ele, poti plange cu ele, dar cel mai important, poti fi fericit ca ai intalnit acel suflet minuntat. Fi fericit ca va fi cu tine pentru totdeauna.

majorat cu pana in 10 persoane

”Calitate nu cantitate”, asta mi-a spus fratele meu cand i-am spus ca nu am ”asa multi” prieteni. Nu are mereu dreptate, dar si cand are, chiar are. Inca de cand aveam 12 ani, ai mei mereu m-au rasfatat cu petreceri surprize, de fiecare data intr-un club deoarece ador sa dansez. Am faimilie misto, nu? Ei bine, desi mereu banuiam ca planuiesc ceva, mereu au reusit sa ma pacaleasca si sa ma surprinda. Ideea e ca de majoratul meu nu planuisem nimic. I-am spus mamei ca nu imi doresc o petrecere, iar ea a fost de acord. De ziua mea iesisem in familie intr-un local ales de mine unde ne-a placut mult, in special pisica ce ne dadea tarcoale. Trei zile mai tarziu eram in chef de dans si am stabilit sa iesim undeva, nestiind insa locatia. Dupa ce o prietena de familie s-a facut aparitia, ne-a spus ca avea de lasat o camera de filmat la o prietena ce se afla intr-un local. Planul era sa mergem mai intai acolo, iar apoi sa cautam noi un club sau undeva sa ne petrecem noaptea. Ajunsi la fata locului, m-au impins sa intru pe cele doua usi uriase, unde era intuneric complet. S-au auzit tipete si urari de ”La multi ani”. Dupa atatia ani de surprize, iar am ramas socata, planul le-a mers si de data aceasta.
Mama a fost intotdeauna organizatoarea sefa, cea care vine cu ideeile, dar si cea care nu stia pe cine sa invite la majoratul meu deoarece pana la 18 ani nu reusisem sa gasesc prieteni adevarati. Insa ea a invitat doar persoanele cele mai apropiate si cele mai dragi mie, surprinzandu-ma a doua oara in acea noapte, cand tovarasii de festivale de vara si-au facut aparitia ceva mai tarziu.
Ceea ce incerc sa transmit este faptul ca nu conteaza numarul de prieteni. Oameni speciali sunt rari iar daca reusesti sa ii gasesti, tine-i aproape, cel mai probabil iti vor da o petrecere (sau mai multe) surpriza. Cu putini oameni am avut parte de cel mai misto majorat, pe care nici nu am crezut ca il voi avea, daca nu era mama. (Te iubesc, mama)
In concluzie, frate-miu, ai avut dreptate (nu te da mare) , ”calitate nu cantitate”

Bros Forever

Daca e sa il avem in continuare pe frate-miu in vizor, o sa va spun si despre el. El este fratiorul meu mai mare cu cinci ani cu care obisnuiam sa fac tot felul de tampenii in copilarie. El este cel care m-a tras cu covorul prin curtea de la bunici, cel care m-a corupt cu jocurile video, cel cu care ma jucam fotbal prin casa, cel care ma face sa rad in fiecare zi. Stii clar ca ai un frate pasator cand iti face o miscare de wrestling gresita si ti se taie respiratia, iar primele lui cuvinte sunt ”Nu-i spune mamei” (stai linistit stie de multi ani oops). Ideea e ca barbosul acesta tocmai a sarit intr-o noua etapa din viata lui. Sunt mandra de el ca reuseste tot ce isi propune si ca este fericit. Insa sunt si trista ca atunci cand privesc spre camera lui nu il vad la birou sau cand nu il aud ca pierde la fifa. Imi e dor de el si mereu imi doresc sa il vad atunci cand intru in camera lui, insa el nu este acolo. Nu este departe, dar nu este aici.
Unii frati chiar nu se au ca ”fratii’, dar noi, mereu ne-am avut. Cand eram mici ne certam pe cele mai mici lucruri, iar dupa cateva minute eram impreuna si ne jucam de parca nimic nu s-a intamplat. In prezent suntem mai mari, amandoi majori, si amandoi cu chef sa judecam impreuna lumea din jurul nostru. Ne sunam in fiecare zi si radem ca idiotii, chiar daca unul din noi este pe strada sau la magazin, deoarece umorul lui se potriveste ca o piesa de puzzle cu umorul meu. Nu prea mai semanam fizic (de cand e barbos si pletos) dar la caracter si la umor, mereu vom semana. Avem cele mai misto amintiri impreuna si vorbim cu haz despre ele, asta dupa ce mai trebuie sa ii aduc eu aminte deoarece el nu prea tine minte lucruri.
Frate-miu e cel mai tare si are un viitor stralucit in fata, iar eu sunt mandra de el. Chiar daca suntem mai departe decat am fost vreodata, spiritual nu vom fi niciodata. El nu scapa de mine si eu nu scap de el, este un cerc vicios.
Pe scurt, da, timpul trece (foarte repede) si apar schimbari in vietile noastre, dar asta nu inseamna ca nu ne putem adapta. Indiferent ce decizii luam si pe oriunde ne aflam, fratele meu si cu mine vom ramane ”Bros Forever” pentru ca da, suntem atat de misto. Te iubesc fratior mai mare, barbos si nebun.

e n g l i s h

It’s pretty late, being february but it’s never late to reflect on your previous year, and think about your achievments and about the lessons you learned. 

So without any hesitataion I will tell you how my year went.

graduation

I didn’t had a great highschool experience. I spent the majority of the years alone, readins or listening to music. I wanted to isolate myself from the fake people I was forced to stay in the same class everyday for years. I made the mistake to want to ”integrate” and they almost succeded to corrupt and to transform me. I thought I was part of their group of friends but in reality I was just one more person that was just sitting next to them. They would’ve talked to me only when they were running out of conversation topics, or better said, gossip. I was ”part” of more groups, in translation meaning that I was trying to find my place. I’m telling you now, I didn’t. All that time I was sorrounded my different people, I learned and I noticed the little things, even though I wasn’t telling them about it. I heard made-up stories, hate that wasn’t needed, the rivalry between the groups being in trend and very popular. Everytime I was changing the group, i was hearing gossip about the previous group. Sometimes I was thinking of which side am I, even though their problems were childish, so I didn’t waste my time picking a side. But sometimes these groups were becoming only one when the hate stopped, but the group wasn’t lasting much and soon that one group was spliting again. I was getting tired keeping up with their gossip, of different secrets about people that I didn’t even knew personally, but I only saw them in the hallways. When I was almost becoming one of them I came back to reality. That was the moment I accepted that I was different. I came back to my habits, reading, drawing, listening to music, sitting by myself. I was feeling alone but I felt more alone when I was with them. Most probably I was considered a freak, a weirdo or a loner. But in those moment, when I was jsut with myself, those were the moments I felt the best, because I wasn’t trying to become like them, to become someone I wasn’t.

I finally graduated. The most beautiful moment of my entire highschool years. I threw my hat with pride because I managed to survive this big test called ”highschool”. I could’ve become a different person than I am now. I could’ve been like them. I was and still am proud that I managed to keep my personality and originality, because I remained myself, a freak, a weirdo or whatever they think I am. But it doesn’t matter what they think.

They cried at graduation, hugging eachother. They even hugged the people thay ignored the whole time or even disliked in the majority of the time. I didn’t. I laughed and I was already enjoying the freedom that was about to come, after the final exams of course. But for me the future was a chance to finally do whatever I want. I wasn’t forced to fake smiles in the hallways and talk to the people I had nothing in common with. Everything was about to end. It was time to face the real world, maybe because of this reason they cried. They knew they weren’t going to have cigarette breaks where they were used to gossip, or people they would smile at and than laugh at behind their backs.

The day the results of the final exams were published was a sunny day, figurative and literally. I was scared, stressed and I was experiencing all the feelings at once. When I woke up and I went online looking for my name in that damn list, I was shaking. But when I found my name, my heart stopped when I saw the good grades. I screamed along with my mother on the phone, knowing that this was another step that I passed and a new chapter that ended in my life.

That was the moment I finally felt free.

after highschool

Oh, of course. The pressure of college. Have you felt it yet? If not, it’s coming, trust me. I started to feel the pressure when I was in my junior year, but because I was studying in California at the time, I didn’t really thought of the next step, even though I was looking at different college websites from my city, Bucharest. When I returned home and I had to face the romanian education sytem that made me wanna put my head through a wall, the questions about future only amplified the urge to put my head through a wall. If these thoughts were present in my head in my senior year, imagine what came when highschool ended. You can’t imagine at how many colleges I said I’ll go to. Every other week I was telling my mom that I was going to another college than I said before. But guess what, I ended up not going anywhere. Yes, I say that with a little pride even though you might not believe me. The thing is that after highschool I could’ve done whatever I wanted to. The bad part? I had no idea what I wanted. Cool, huh? To finish highschool and to think that the hell it’s next in your life. But it’s even more cool *note the sarcasm* to learn that all your highschool classmates went to college, even though only god knows what they were doing there, or why they even went to a college. I don’t know how or why, but they went to college and I didn’t. I had options and I chose to not go anywhere, and it was a really good choice. I know you still don’t believe me, but let me explain what happened next. I made so many bad decisions in my life that I lost the count, but this one was one of the best decisions I made. I cried because I didn’t know what the hell to do with my life but thanks to mom who slapped me (in translation meaning that she gave me a motivational speech) really woke me up to reality. We are not forced to go to any college at all. Not me, not you, not no one. You want to go, then go. You don’t want to, then don’t go. You want to go later in life, cool. Why do we all have to follow the same path? After all, each and everyone of us has their own path, we only shape it here and there. My mom’s speech made me feel like a goddamn superhero. So I grabbed my laptop and I applied for jobs. Don’t think that I ended up working in a freaking Mcdonalds. I ended up going to Greece. I was crazy before to go by myself in the United States for a year, why not be crazy again and go by myself in Greece for two months? Wanna know what’s next? Another crazy idea that will lead me to Spain for freaking seven months. Only because I did what I wanted, realized that I’m good at it and that I love my job and because college is not a requierment.

How did I managed to travel in Europe? Well that’s another story, another article that it’s not written yet.

But that’s what happened after the hell called highschool. An adventure.

lost friends and new friendships

It doesn’t exist a year when life doesn’t kick out the toxic people out of your life. Somehow these people find their way out of our lives by themselves, which is good especially cause I’m really lazy, so no work for me in that area. Most of the time we don’t recognize these people as being ”toxic”, even though most probably our moms told us a long time ago, especially if your mom is a witch, but in a good way. ”love you ma”
Sometimes people surprise us. I’m lying. People always surprises us, most of the time in a negative way. Those people who you completely trust? Yes, sometimes they are leaving as well. People come and go, a thing that I always knew (thanks, ma) but I started to realize it only in the year that just passed. It wasn’t in a nice way, but if it’s painful, it’s better.

But I don’t wanna tell you only the negative parts. I wanna present you the good side, because people really come and go. ”Online friendships are not okay”, that’s what you probably always heard, right? That they’re not real and blah blah blah. But what if I tell you, that I find her? That person you connect almost instantly. That person you talk everyday with for seven months since you first met. That person who you talk about your personal life, who listens and understands and gives you advice. You don’t believe me? Well she is real. The italian girl named Caterina is real. How I found her, you ask? We found eachother. Our irony is that we met at a point in our lives when we both lost friends. We talked about our feelings and we really connected and since then everything is history. We already started a project together and we already plan to meet.

Yes, life takes people away from you, but it also give you amazing people in exchange, some strangers. But I think that strangers are just some people you haven’t met yet, just like some guys from California said. You can meet new people at the most unexpected moments in your life, just like you can lose some. Nothing is sure in this world, it always surprises us. If you don’t like surprises, well that sucks, cause life is full of them, good and bad. That’s the true magic of life I guess, but it’s always gonna be okay. How do I know that? Because exactly how a man with a sunhat, a kitchen paddle, a paif of fake boobs and an accent, ”That’s the movie”. (a friend’s desguise in motivational purpose).

death is also a part of life

On june 14th in the year of 2000 at midnight, when I was born, she was there. She, my mom and the doctor that they were saying it was cute. Even though I was there, I can’t really confirm that. In the following years she kept being here most of the time. At all the birthdays, hard times, family gatherings, good times. She was there to give advices but also to celebrate all my achievements. She was always present. In the last year we spent almost everyday together. When I woke up in the middle of the night half unconscious when I could barely talk, I said her name and she came there with a smile, encouraging. She was there until I got better everytime I needed her. She was at my graduation. We celebrated together when I was home alone that weekend with sushi and a bottle of liquor which we were taking shots from, and we kept drinking from the following weeks until we finished it. And she was also there, lying down, sleeping and with flowers in her pale hands. I din’t cry then. I brought her the note I wrote a day before and one of her favourite cigarettes, which I placed next to her, hidden. I talked to her spiritually and I heard her telling me not to cry, like she always said. Days had passed and I started to feel worse and alone. I started to feel al the sadness at once and to think about her all the time, making the mistake to think only about the last time I saw her, when she was pale. The pain was all I felt and I couldn’t control my emotions and my tears. But when I started to think about her, her personality and how she told me not to cry, that’s when the healing process started, slowly. The fact that I’m not thinking about her everyday doesn’t mean I forgot her, it means I’m managing to get used to the idea. If you ever lost someone, you know what I’m talking about. Missing her never stops, but I have to remain with the good thoughts, her smile and with the memories. Death is a aprt of life and we don’t have to see it in fear, we need to accept it. You can’t change what’s next, but if you’re probably afraid of the future because you don’t know what’s coming, you can embrace death because you already know it’s going to happen at some point. That will be the moment your soul is set free and your body, the house your soul lived in, can finally rest.
So it’s okay to feel sad, but it’s also okay to move on and heal after the loss of a dear person. They won’t be sad. You don’t forget about them, youa ctually forget that their bodies (their houses) aren’t here anymore, because the souls are free and you can talk to them, cry with them, but most importantly you can be happy that you met that wonderful soul. Be happy they will be with you forever.

birthday party with almost ten people

”Quality not quantity”, that’s what my brother said when I told him I don’t have that ”many” friends. He’s not always right, but when he is, he really is. Since I was 12 years, my family threw surprises parties, everytime in a club because I love to dance. I have a cool family, didn’t I? Well, even though I always thought that they were planning something, somehow they managed to fool me and surprise me. The idea si that for my 18th birthday I didn’t plan anything. I told mom that I don’t want a party and she agreed. On my bitthday we went out as a family at a restaurant I picked, where we had fun, especially because of the black cat that was around us all night. Three days later I was in the mood for dancing so we planned to go out, without knowing the destination. After one of our family friends came to our apartment, she told us that she had to meet with a girl so she can leave her a recording camera. The plan was to go to the location that girl was at and then find a club or something so we can spend our night. When we arrived, they pushed me to go inside where it was completley dark. I heard screams and some ”Happy Birthday”. After so many surprises, I was shocked, their plan worked out perfectly again.
My mom was always the organizer, the one with ideas but also the one who didn’t know who to invite to my party because in all my 18 years, I didn’t manage to find real friends. But she invited the only the dearest people, surprsing me again in that night when my summer festivals buddies came later.
What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter the number of friends you have. Special people are rare and if you find them, keep them close, cause msot probably they will throw you a surprise aprty (or more). With a few people I had the most amazing night of my life, which I never thought I would have, if it wasn’t for mom. (love you ma).

So my brother was right, (don’t get cocky) ”quality not quantity”

Bros Forever

Because I talked about my brother, I will tell you about him. He is my older brother by five years with who I used to do all kind of stupid things. He is the one who strolled me around our grandparent’s garden with a freaking rug, the one who corrupted me and introduced me to video games, the one I was playing football in the house, the one that makes me laugh everyday. You know your brther really cares about you when after he makes you a wrestling move and you can’t breathe and his first words are ”Don’t tell mom”. (it’s okay bro, she knows for a few years now oops).
The idea is that this bearded dude just jumped in the next stage of his life. I’m proud of him that he achieves everything he wishes for adn that he is happy. But I’m sad that when I look towards his room, I don’t see him at his desk and that I don’t hear him scream and swear when he’s losing at fifa. I miss him and I really wish to see him when I go into his room, but he’s not there. He’s not far, but he’s not here.
Some brothers don’t get along, but we always did. When we were kids we used to fight for the most stupid things but minutes later we were playing together like nothing happened. In the present, we are older and we love to judge people and the world around us together. We call eachother everyday and we laugh like idiots even though one of us it’s on the street or in a store, because our humour just fits like two puzzle pieces. We don’t look alike physically anymore (since he has a beard) but characteristic, we’re always gonna be the same. We have the most awesome memories together and we laugh when we talk, that after I remind him of them cause he forgets stuff usually.
My brother si the coolest and he has a bright future in front of him. Even though we’re far than we ever been, spiritually we’ll never be far. He doesn’t get away from me and I can’t get away fom him, it’s vicious circle.
In the end I want to mention that time goes by (really fast) and different changes come in our lives, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t adapt. No matter what decisions we take and no matter where we aer in the world, my brother and I will remain bros forever because yes, we are that cool. I love you big bearded and crazy bro.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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